accomplished twins. life is a go
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
