I wish I could teleport
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
We have so much sex to catch up on
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
