I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
We need to get me chipped asap
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
