Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
