I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
They are going to name an STD after you.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
