You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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