And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
