my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
