She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You took a bar mat shot.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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