Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
