I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
