Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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