Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
she told me i tasted like america
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
