Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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