id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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