Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
