Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
