what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
