Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
