A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Where did you get a picture of my penis
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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