The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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