Please, let me fuck your mom
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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