i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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