he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
