Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
