I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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