sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I just had sex on a roof
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
