i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
i will never coherently bang her
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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