theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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