So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
