it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
