How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
