So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
