last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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