listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
