I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
