we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Randomize
