youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Im part way to drunk.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
