Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Randomize
