Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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