woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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