You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
