Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I'm having to shit out rocks
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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