Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
