i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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