she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
pray to the hookup gods
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
