when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
