I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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