I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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