I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
